Month: January 2015

CMC used to run competitions to win CD’s, Shirts, Stubbie Holders, Concert Tickets, Guitars and all manner of Country Music related gear.

I won about 30 CD’s, multiple shirts, tickets and various other prizes – the ultimate being the CMC Rocks The Hunter hand made Al Tomkins Guitar.

My theory being – you need to be original! Think outside the square – don’t just say what a big fan you are! (Some stipulated – under 25 words, which is hard).

Here are a few of my entries, in response to the relevant question I was challenged with:

“Home.

The sight and warble of a Currawong (magpie looking bird), reminds me of home. It takes me back to the creek and farmland on a cold and misty winters morning, stalking through the bush with my brother, home-made sling-shot in hand, chasing these birds! If there was bad weather up the mountains, the currawongs would move down to the flatlands in big groups, and we’d stalk through the dewey grass, steamy-breathed and eagle-eyed in hot pursuit. Ahh – the joys of being a kid!”

“Doin’ Alright

Though my bloodshot eyes still sting, the splitting-headache has now subsided, the stomach-cramps have mostly settled, the cold-sweats have thankfully deserted my person and the Delirium Tremens have waned to a steady shake!

So – compared to when I woke up yesterday, after a night of Wild Turkey and Beer, I’m now doin’ alright, you bet I am – and I’ll continue to do so for some time…..”

“Hard Living Life

I don’t necessarily have a hard life – I have a hard-living life, and at this stage I’d like to pay homage to those that have contributed to my success in this area. Firstly, my thanks goes out to Mr Jack Daniels and his close friend, James Beam. Then there’s John Walker, Jose Cuervo and Bundy Bear. Special mention of course, goes to the Brothers Toohey, Mr Resch and the Winfield twins. Also the invaluable assistance of that ever popular Russian trio – Karloff, Smirnoff and Stolichnaya…..”

“CMC

Watching the music on CMC, an odd show spawned by MTV,Good lord she’s hot, now who is she, there’s more to this than just old Lee.

There’s Shea and Ran and Taylor Swift, they’re hot as hell and got the giftSure made my nether regions lift, too turned on now to make a shift.

Now leather pants and here comes Dwight, he did a dance I thought he might,He does the same both day and night, man those leather pants are tight!

And on we go with Brooks and Dunn, them good ol’ boys sure have some fun,The bearded one now he’s a gun, though not without the other one.

So now I love my music show, to all I say give it a go

Its country man you ought to know, it’s a different breed than long ago!”

“Family – what do you consider as the perfect family and why?

I consider my family to be the perfect family! Though I have envied other people’s wealth and coveted their possessions, I have never wished to be in any family but my own. No doubt we have struggled through our share of challenges, but we do it together, and in the end we can still laugh together and the bonds of love have never wilted. Everyone should be so lucky to have a family like mine.”

“To win a seat on the Steve Forde tour bus:

(Got 2nd prize in this one)

I’ve long said that, his talent aside, Steve could easily fit into one of our Boys-weekends-away and no one would notice. I am fully conversant with the rules of the road and realise that what happens on tour, stays on tour. I supply my own beer, bourbon and panadol and suffer hangovers in self contained silence. I bring an entertaining brand humour and a wealth of information on roadside curiosities, weather true or made-up. And I believe the fun is not in the destination, it’s in the experience”

25 Words or less:

“I cannot live without country music – infact I’d rather be blind than not be able to hear it, so occasionally I get blind whilst listening!”

And to win the guitar – ‘In 25 words or less, tell us what you would give up to win this guitar:’

My winning response: ‘I’d give up my mistress. This guitar has a better body, longer neck and comes with no strings attached, should I so desire!’

Signed by:

TIM MCGRAW , FAITH HILL ,  DIERKS BENTLEY,  TRACY LAWRENCE,            CRAIG CAMPBELL, SHERIE AUSTIN , ELI YOUNG BAND, JIM LAUDERDALE ,            WYNONNA JUDD, LEE KERNAGHAN, JAMES BLUNDELL 2012, BECCY COLE XX   JETTY ROAD,  JAYNE DENHAM, FELICITY URQUHART, SUNNY COWGIRLS,           BUDDY GOODE, DREW MCALISTER,  TROY KEMP 2012, CATHERINE BRITT, THE MCLYMONTS (Brooke, Sam, Mollie), MORGAN EVANS,  STEVE FORDE 2012, MARK O’SHEA , JAY O’SHEA

And an attempt to win a new 4WD from John Laws –

“My Land Cruiser is so tough because it is the ultimate legend.

If Lasseter had my ‘cruiser, he’d be rich instead of dead.

Burke and Wills ‘Dig Tree’ would’ve been winched out for firewood.

If Ned had my cruiser, he wouldn’t have needed the armour and he’s neck would be shorter.

The Man From Snowy River? I’d have passed him in my cruiser, with the brumbies, going up the hill!

If Toyota made it, it wouldn’t be Vegemite, it’d be VegeWILL!

Oh what a feelin’”

Big W – For Worthless! (17.8.2007)

I hate shopping!

I left work early yesterday – had to get my car registered. So I took off, paid my 600 bucks and stuck my sticker on the window, in the car park. I thought, since I was still early, I might as well go to Casuarina to pick up a few things. I’ve been looking for a DVD version of The Man From Snowy River for years, that being my favourite movie and all. I noticed in a Big W catalogue, which they insist on stuffing into my letterbox every second day, that they had a double DVD set – Snowy River I and II for under 20 bucks! I thought – I’ll grab me one of them.

Last time I’d planned to buy a few DVD’s was when Target had a big sale on – I lobbed down there and all they had left, was the cheap, crap, seventy year old movies! They told me all the others were sold out – I said “Yes – No doubt! That’d be because you only ever buy one friggin item each, of the good movies, which you advertise to suck in all the punters, then hope that they will buy the shit left over, so as not to waste their trip altogether!”

So, in my extra time, I decided I would also buy the new Harry Potter book and an expandable file for all my bills and important documents etc. So, needing 3 different items, pretty much justified the trip out there.

I’m hurtling along Baggot road heading toward Casuarina, at around 80 clicks and I hear a beep-beep coming up next to me. I look around and see my friend Kirstin driving along with Chad in the passenger’s seat – we flashed each other a smile and a wave. I moved to the left hand, gutter lane and Kirstin went to the middle lane, on my right. I had my left arm stretched across the back of the seat and was happily singing along with James Blundell. I had passed Kirstin and was about one third of the way past the silver car in front of her – when this tosser decides to change lanes. He just starts wizzing across into my lane, jamming me up against the gutter – I belt the brakes on and swing the wheel, as my stretching-arm quickly joins the fray. I locked up the brakes and skidded at an angle for about six feet before Tosser-Boy got past and in front of me. I let off the brake and kept driving. Unfortunately, my car horn is inoperable (which really teaches a man patience!), so I couldn’t blast the still oblivious, Tosser-Boy, to hell!

We stopped at a set of lights with Kirstin cruising up and stopping next to the Silver-car’d Tosser – Chad winds his window down and gives the bloke a mouthful, on my behalf. It was pretty funny, as close calls go. I was thinking – Jesus, I’m on my way from paying for another 12 months rego, and nearly wrecked the whole bloody thing within minutes!

So I park the car and get out – a little bit shaky after the traffic incident. Walk my way to Big W – which, of course, is huddled at the furthest corner away from the car park, and head for the DVD section. Once again, I can’t detect any sign of the package I want. I approach the counter and open up their new catalogue, a copy of which was sitting on the bench. I say to the young chippie “How ya goin’? I want one of these”, pointing at the advertised item.

She flicks through a special ‘under-the-counter’ copy of the catalogue – which has big blue crosses through ninety percent of the items, including mine. She says “Yes. See, they’re not available just yet. You’ll have to come back in a few days or something”

I say “But it’s advertised here that you have them – that’s what I came for”.

“Hmmm – yes I know that, but the sale goes for two weeks”

I say “Well, when does it start?”

She says “Today”.

I spread my arms so as to say “Well, I’m here today, the sale is on today, you advertised you will have these things in today, now what’s the freakin problem?!”

“Oh – we actually have them out the back – but there’s half a dozen big pallet loads out there. We haven’t unpacked them yet. You’ll have to come back in a few days”

I said “Last time I tried coming in a few days later, there was only shit left! All the good stuff had been sold out”

“Really? That’s strange”

“Well can you put one aside for me, under the counter or something?”

So she took my details and recorded them, and the item and price, in a little book. It seems I’ll have to go back at some later date.

I was feeling pretty cranky by now, so I decided to head for the book section, pick up my copy and head for home. I did three laps of the book section, with the only Harry Potter story being one on special, from six years ago. I sought out the stringy haired young whippersnapper with a Big W badge, who was lurking around the general section. I said “How ya goin? Do you guys happen to have the latest Harry Potter book?”

He looked around, covered the same ground I’d already been over, and said “I know there was one copy floating around here somewhere. Nah – it looks like we’re sold out.”

I said “Did you guys not think this book might be popular?”

“Oh no – we bought thousands, it’s just that there’s none left”

“Do you not think you should have got some more?”

“Nah – we bought all we could, there were three thousand or something”

I said “Yeah – and there’s none left”

I walked away shaking my head and muttering obscenities.

Then, out of the blue, far, far away from young Stringy-Hair and his book section, there was a big display full of the latest Harry Potter book! Just what the hell it was doing among the undergarments and stationery is beyond me! The book staff are completely unaware of this stash – I don’t know how the hell they expect the shoppers to find it?

Then I went looking for the expandable file – Nil Stock! They have boxes, and ring folders, and lever-arch folders, and manila folders, and coloured files, and hanging files, and filing cabinets, and plastic desk stackers and alphabetised drawers – but not one bloody expandable file!

So I paid for my book and the checkout chick threw in a free copy of a Peter Fitzsimon book, about Les Darcy (The Aussie boxing champ who died of a tooth ache in America when he was only 19).

I then headed for Kmart – looking for the allusive expandable file. Not one on the shelves. I asked an unlikely looking staff member if they had any – and to my great surprise and delight, she knew what I was talking about and even darted out the back and retrieved the very last item of this line that Kmart had in stock! So I grabbed it, paid my six bucks and headed for the car.

…………have I ever mentioned that I HATE SHOPPING!!!!????

 

On Target To Be Ripped Off (4.6.2007)

Every day I find my letterbox stuffed to the rafters with junk mail, which I usually remove and deposit straight into the garbo, where it belongs. The other day, though, I actually read through the piles of brochures from the usual suspects, including Kmart, Big W, WOW Sight & Sound, Prouds, Dominoes, and Target.

Of interest to me was a special of “25% off men’s pants” advertised in the Target catalogue. I needed a couple of pair of shorts and thought I may as well take advantage of this opportunity.

So on Sunday, I decided to drive the 25k’s down to Palmerston, which is home to my nearest Target store. I looked around a bit, then grabbed my gear and headed to the counter. This included 3 pairs of socks, two pairs of shorts and a pair of jocks. The jocks were a longer-legged variety I’ve not tried before – there were a heap there, so I deduced that there must be quite some demand for the style. I usually just grab a six-pack of briefs and that’ll do me for ages (except last time when some smart-arse swapped a rolled up pair of my size halfway down the pack, for a little kids – which I failed to recognise till I went to wear them!).

I chatted to the checkout chick as she ran my gear through, then she surprised me with the sub-total of seventy four bucks! I took it away and examined the docket – no discount on the shorts and the bloody jocks cost me eighteen bucks! Feeling I’d been ripped, I returned to the Men’s Wear section to check things out – the jocks were indeed eighteen smackers a shot, which is just ridiculous in itself (and they better be bloody comfortable!). Also the ticket price on the shorts was 18 bucks straight up, so they definitely had not given me the discount!

I approached the chippie at the lay-by counter and said – “Hey, I just bought these shorts and they should be 25% off. They charged me full price”

She says she’ll get the bloke that works in the section. So the nineteen year old section-bloke comes over and tells me that the discount is only on long dacks! I say, “No – the add says ‘25% off Men’s Pants’. These are quite obviously pants”.

He says “Um, okay – I’ll get the manager”.

Little Miss Manager is 22years old and tries to tell me that “No – ‘Pants’ means long trousers, not shorts. They’re called ‘shorts’”.

I say – “Okay – look, I’m sure if I wasn’t wearing any pants, I wouldn’t be allowed in your shop! I’m wearing shorts and obviously, I am considered to be wearing pants!”

She argues that “No, you are wearing shorts – if you have a look on the little ticket, it will distinguish between Pants and shorts”

I reply “Well If say to you ‘look at that bloke over there, he’s not wearing any pants!’, you don’t turn around and expect to see some rooster wearing shorts – you expect to see a bloke half dressed!”

She says “Well that’s how we distinguish them in our catalogues, we call them ‘Pants’, so people know it’s long pants and ‘Shorts’ when we have shorts on special”

I said “No – that’s bullshit! You call them ‘Pants’ in your catalogue, so you can rip people off and have them drive 25k’s under false pretences – otherwise, you’d call the trousers, like everyone else in the English speaking world! You know very well that this is misleading and confusing and that is clearly your aim – hoping that once people are here, they’ll buy stuff anyway. We both know it’s a friggin rort and a rip off, pants are pants, and you’re a friggin disgrace!”

With that, I walked away, fuming – I needed the dacks and it cost me time and petrol to drive the 50k round trip, so there was no point in getting my money back and leaving the stuff there, the damage was already done. I’ll be a lot more bloody careful next time though, and Target will remain the last choice for me!

 

Okay, this is not celebrity related, but still amusing and embarrassing.

One Friday night about 10 years ago, I was waiting for my mate Leesa to pick me up from home – a gang of us were going to the local club (Mounties), as we did every weekend. Leesa always drank and rarely drove. So I’m standing round the lounge room, all dressed and ready to go, when the car pulls up out the front, across the road. She’s just about got a car-full, so I dart across and give a wave as I approach, rip open the back door and hop in: “Hey – how’s it going Ladies?”, as I’m clipping in my seatbelt. Now Leesa is a very popular girl with heaps of friends from all over the place – and they’re all looking at me, checking me out. I’m smiling and nodding at the new girls. I eventually look at the house opposite mine and see the young chick who lives there, heading out the front door toward this car – I swing my head back toward my place – just as Leesa pulls up out the front and honks the horn!

WRONG CAR!

I just slipped out the door of this unknown car, with an “Ahh Shit, see ya ladies” and jumped in Leesa’s front seat – she said “Christ – where the hell did you come from?!”

“Don’t worry about it – lets go”……….

 

Years ago my brother brought his then, new girlfriend (now wife) around for lunch with the family for the first time. Candace was a pretty shy and easily embarrassed young girl – had a tendency to glow red when under pressure (in fact, she still does).

Mum, wanting to create a good impression also, laid out her best lacy white tablecloth and all the fancy salad and such. The Oldman has always been a great stirrer of us boys and we give back twice as much.

Anyway, all was going well until Candy mistook the handle of the beetroot strainer, for the handle of the beetroot container. She reached across and tried to left the beetroot container closer to her, the strainer came up from inside the container and little red beetroot balls rolled all over the fancy white tablecloth. Candy turned the colour of the beetroot, Mum turned the colour of the tablecloth and the stains continued to spread out!

The Oldman lets out with an “Oh no, what have you done? That’s Joan’s best tablecloth too!”

So we joined in “Jesus Candy, if you wanted a bit of beetroot, someone would have passed you some – you didn’t have to go throwing it all round the room!”

Mum saved her and told us all to shutup – we had all been laughing throughout and actually feeling very sorry for the poor girl – but you just can’t let a chance like that go by!

Welcome to the family Candace – it can only get better from here.

And it did, and she’s still with us, with two beautiful daughters, and we still laugh about the beetroot incident to this day – and she still goes red!

 

 

 

THE JOY OF CHRISTMAS…..

I had a pretty big weekend again – culminating in a superb barbecue Sunday afternoon, which I am presently paying dearly for. I went down to Fisherman’s wharf in the morning and bought some seafood off Mr Barra – a kilo of King Prawns, a dozen oysters and some Threadfin Salmon fillets. I made up my famous Lemon Butter prawns (who’s recipe I conveniently stole from my sister-in-law and now claim as my own). I could see trouble ahead in the synchronisation of barbecued prawns and grilled Oysters, both Kilpatric and mornay. However, much to my relief (and probably everyone else’s gastronomical delight), one of Phoebe’s mates turned out to be a chef. So he did the oysters in the kitchen (didn’t even have to read the book!) while the barbecue smoked away outside, under the careful eye of Damon (Phoebe’s boyfriend), while I drank beer and watched contentedly on.

At first, I believe it was through courtesy, that no one commented on the Christmas carols I had pumping through the speakers but after I brought it up, it seemed they had plenty to say. I still suspect a hint of sarcasm in Phoebe’s sweet praise and singalong attempts. Chefboy brought his fiance Jane, along and she proved a lovely girl – admired my Snowy River poster, prancing horse and stockwhip behind the bar. When the second round of carols sparked up, Jane inquired as to whether it was Garth Brooks – I said no it wasn’t, it was in fact Alan Jackson, but fear not – Garth was coming on next.

She then confessed to being a huge Garth fan – loves country music (I started wondering how committed a fiance she was to Chefboy). I told her I had about 200 country CD’s inside, if she’d like to burn any – Chefboy protested with much vigour.

After some beer, bourbon, rum and wine, I decided what we all really needed was a salty, gutful of slushy Margarita. So in I ducked and set too with the blender – half a bottle of Jose Cuervo, a healthy dose of Cointreau and a smallish measure of Margarita mix. I churned him all up with a jugfull of ice, generously salted the fancy glass rims, and whisked them out back to the anxious punters. They went down a treat, though the merits of the salt remained a matter of contention till the end. I, however, was unanimously   declared a masterful barbecuer (though, to be fair, I actually swiped the margarita idea from my brother the selfsame night I pilfered his wife’s prawn recipe).

Earlier in the afternoon there had been much playful banter and repartee as we commenced a few rounds of Bocce in the backyard. Unfortunately due to an earlier tropical downpour, the pitch was deemed a “Heavy Track”, so along with the other contenders, we had to endure long grass, leaves and soggy soil. The quality of play was variable at best but it was generally enjoyed as a novel way to build up a thirst.

I’ve really enjoyed the build-up to Christmas this year but while I always look forward to the big one, I’ve had reservations in the back of my mind about Christmas Day coming round this time. I put this down to my not wanting the silly season to be over again, because I’m enjoying the good times so much.

I’ve had carols playing in my car since the start of December, bought some flashing lights and decorations – even stuck some lights up at work. I usually don’t do any of this – I’m usually in Sydney by now, with all my family and friends. But this year, another bloke jumped in early and took holidays over Christmas, so I have to stay in Darwin. For the last few years my brother has come down from the Gold Coast before Christmas, with his family and we’ve all been together in Sydney and had a ball, but they go back before Christmas Day. Normally I stay at the oldies, in my old room, and my sister brings her husband Johnny and their three kids around to sleep over on Christmas Eve. That way, though it’s a bit of a tight squeeze, we all get to share the excitement in the morning. We run through all the old routines – taking photos through blurry, slightly hungover eyes, whacking the old carols on, leg ham and fresh garden-grown tomato on toast for brekky with a cup of tea. Chicken and pork and turkey and ham for lunch, hugs and kisses and presents and playing with new toys etc. I love every part of it.

Driving to work the other day, I noticed how a lot of the Christmas songs have the “coming home to the family and friends for Christmas” theme. I usually love this aspect, because that is exactly what I do, and Christmas to me means family, but I won’t be there this time. It made me realise that perhaps my reluctance for Christmas Day to roll around might actually be the inner dread of waking up alone in my five-bedroom house on Christmas morning and trying to sound happy and excited, chatting on the phone to the kids.

The feeling very much reminds me of Paul Kelly’s “How To Make Gravy” – a song from the perspective of a bloke stuck in jail over Christmas.

Okay, enough sooky-la-la, the upside is that I actually have five weeks off and head to Sydney on the Qantas red-eye on the 29^th December, so I’ll be there for New Years and a fair while after. I’m also spending Christmas day at a mates family party, with good company and plenty and tucker and drinks, so it’s not half as bad as I made out, just missing the family I guess.

So, I mentioned my recently purchased flashing lights. I scored these little suckers from Coles for the princely sum of ten bucks a box, which appealed as fair value, given there are 206 globes on each string (though I remain perplexed by the decision to attach such an odd number of globes together?).

I also had to buy two packets of brass hooks – as there was nothing from which I could hang the cable. So up and down the ladder with a hook and a drill every three feet – it felt like the step routine from Aerobics Oz Style, only they didn’t have to dodge a recently arrived, bulbous-eyed, smiley-faced staffy-dog every time they stepped down.

Then, after I opened my two boxes of treasures, I stood dumbfounded after discovering the little fairy lights were clear globes, not the coloured ones I thought I had! That and the cable was green and not white, like all my paint.

I decided to go with it anyway, I was already hot and sweaty and wanted to see some kind of reward for my effort – apparently patience is not among my strong suits. So back to the ladder. I finally got all the lights up and, feeling quite proud of myself, went to unleash my festive glory by connecting the power…

Now, these magnificent flashing displays come with a very special transformer-box-type contraption that plugs into the power outlet – unless you have an outdoor/exterior waterproof-type outlet, like me – then, much to your delight, you’ll find the boxy transformer body butts up against the wall and prevents the pins from actually slipping into their slots! So now I’ve got a 45 metre, thick, black extension lead coiled in the corner, which said staffy-dog finds very comfy to sleep on – not sure of the repercussions of dozing in a haze of electromagnetic radiation, but she sure seems to spend a lot of time facing North these days…..

 

22 Nov 2006

Three Indians Walk Into A Car…….

28^th July 2006.

I was walking to my car yesterday arvo after work, had just crossed the road to where I park my car, next to the Chan building, I was feeling pretty good – what with tomorrow being Friday and all. I was approached by 3 well dressed old Indian blokes (from India, not Cochese, Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse) and they asked me for directions to the museum. I told ’em that the museum is not in town, it’s way down that direction, pointing. The leader says “Oh, I see – is that past Sky City?” . I said “Yeah, it’s a fair way though” (it’s about 5 kms). So he tells his homies that they can walk there. I said “It’s a fair way to walk………..look, I’m going that way – you wanna lift?” I wasn’t really going that way, but I do sometimes. So they said oh yeah and we walked towards my car. The chief says – this is beautiful weather here, is it always like this? I say “Yeah, it’s beautiful, but it gets pretty humid in the wet season, and rains a lot – and we have cyclones sometimes”

“Cyclones? Really? That’s very interesting”

A bit further on he says – “What is that building?”

I say “Ahh, that? That’s the old Town Hall ruins – yeah, it was knocked down by Tracy back in ’74. Um, a cyclone blew it down years ago”. They all looked on in astonishment.

I hop in the car – it’s filthy – where I park, the spazo council bloke keeps blasting the ground clean with a turbo-jet, back mounted leaf blower, which always covers my car in sh!t. They all climb in and off we go along Mitchell street. I tell ’em this is the main entertainment strip, with all the pubs. They snigger in the back and say “Yes – it’s very entertaining alright, hehehe”. I think they’ve been on the perv a bit earlier.

One says – “I think maybe only on the weekend they have things on?”

I assure them “Nah mate, every night. There’s heaps of European backpackers, English girls and such – they go out and get drunk every night, it doesn’t matter, there’s something on every night”.

They ask me what I do at work, so I tell ’em ” I.T. – Computer stuff”

He says ” You teach computer stuff?”

I say “No, I don’t teach it, I’m an Operations analyst – I work with mainframe computers”

We discuss that for a smidge. The chief, in the front says “What is this?” – he’s looking at the car. I tell him it’s a Landcruiser – Toyota Landcruiser.

“It’s vedy big. Vedy, vedy big.”

“Oh, yeah – I spose it is pretty big”

Raja in the backseat pipes up and asks me what them black, plastic pipes on the side of many of these big cars are. I tell him that “They’re snorkles mate – so you can go through deep water without sucking it all into your engine”. They all nod and agree – they seem convinced that this is a vedy good idea. Chief asks me, still looking round the car “What do you do in this – do you just drive into the outback and look around?”

I say “Nah, I generally pick up tourists and drive them to the museum”. Then I add “Yeah, I do do a bit of that, a bit of fishin and a bit o’shootin too”

“Shooting? What do you shoot”

“Pigs mainly”.

“Wild boar? What, with a bow an arrow?”

“Nah – with a rifle”

“Rifle? What kind of rifle”

“A 243”

“243?! That sounds like a ve-dy big rifle.”

“Oh yeah, I spose it is”

Then he asks if I eat the wild boar – I say “Nah, not many people eat ’em here. Though we do export a lot to Germany. Apparently the Germans love the gamey brutes”. He goes on to tell me about when he was in some small European state with a few colleagues, where they had barbequed pork, barbequed wild boar and barbequed bear on the menu. He said he was a pussy and went for the pork – reckons the boar and bear looked just the same.

Anyway I dropped ’em off at the door of the museum and had to shake hands with ’em all while they thanked me very much.I drove off and considered their relating the story when they get back to Mumbai.

………And we simply asked this large obese man for directions to the museum, he took us in his car, it was a ve-dy, vedy big car and ve-dy, vedy dirty. This man works with computers and he drives into the outback and he looks around and he shoots wild boar with a vedy, vedy big gun. He was a vedy friendly but strange fellow. He took us all the way to the museum and said good bye and that was the last we saw of this large fellow…..

I drove the rest of the way home laughing to myself – and really wondering why the hell I took ’em in the first place…….

11.9.2006

I’ve been a big fan of James Blundell since his Hand It Down CD back in 1988, first saw him on the Ray Martin Midday show way back then. I have since bought all of his releases, though In the last few years I’d become disillusioned with James. In my opinion, his latest cd Deluge, is comparatively his weakest release to date.

On Friday night I tossed up whether to go and see James’ free up-close and intimate, just him and his acoustic guitar show at the Deck Bar (Ex-Petty Sessions) in Darwin. I went – it was the best concert from anybody, I’ve seen for years! James rocked the place like a 20 yr old! He did a mixture of his own material and everyone else’s – Jackson Brown’s Stay, The Church’s Unguarded Moment, Van Morrison’s Brown Eyed Girl, Peter Allen’s I Still Call Australia Home and at one stage he did a tribute to the Vietnam Vets. He did 3 Vets songs in a row – Redgum’s I Was Only Nineteen, Chisel’s Khe Sanh and his own Postcards From Saigon! He did stuff from his very first album all the way to his most recent – was probably on stage for 3 hours – and he looked like a man who loved every second of it! During the breaks and after the show he was happy to mix with the punters, shaking hands, signing stuff and posing for photos – even congratulated me on my vocal prowess when singing along in the crowd (for which I’ve been embarrassed ever since).

Like I said, it was the best show I’ve seen in years, so if you get the chance to see James live, do yourself a favour, get in there, get up front and sing along – you’ll love it, I promise!

 

Welcome back to the top of the list James!

 

James brought along a young 21yr old support singer from Kununurra in WA – she’s a talented, pretty little thing with a big mob of brown hair and plays a neat guitar – one to keep an eye on …..if only I could remember her name!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Drinking With Movie Stars 26.11.06

 

I went to the local pub on Sunday arvo – the Parap Hotel, I had to collect some cash from a winning trifecta I’d backed the day before. I figured, since pubs are made for drinkin’ in, I’d best have a beer or three while I was there.

 

There were only about ten of us in the entire bar but I was kept entertained by one of the other patrons. He was a slim, long-haired black-fella, introduced himself as:

 

“David Gulpilil – aboriginal actor – Storm Boy, The Tracker, Rabbit Proof Fence, Mad Max, Crocodile Dundee…….”

 

He then flashed a broad grin. He was talking to a bunch of white fellas who’d bought him a beer, and dropping a whole host of big names. He reckons Barnesy (Jimmy Barnes) is his only white fella mate. He told a story about him and Barnesy and few other people going and staying at Paul Hogan’s place at Byron Bay for the weekend – reckons he might buy that house when it comes up for sale. He chatted about Hoges and Mel Gibson and Sly Stalone and visiting Los Angeles and London – once again said how he has heaps of money.

 

His missus was there too – Miriam. She’s a slender, ebony skinned young thing, sporting a light cotton dress, loosely draped over bra-less breasts, as is the modern native custom around these parts. She had a softness to her face and a brightness of the eye and proved to be quite articulate. She wasn’t drinking this day.

 

David tried to flog an old woman his autograph for twenty bucks – she politely declined. Through the conversation, one of his new-found mates mentioned Steve Irwin, and David started crying, genuine tears of sadness – they changed the subject. Every now and then he’d call to his missus for the name of a certain place or person, alternately chatting in english and swapping to one of the native aboriginal dialects, then back to english for the white boys.

Gulpilil went for a wizz at one stage and one of the young blokes says to me, with a chuckle – ‘This bloke reckons he’s some big actor, signed this coaster and gave it to me.’

I said ‘Mate – he is a genuine legend. He’s been in every Aussie movie ever made – you may wanna keep that coaster’

Old mate looked surprised and says ‘Shit. Fair Dink?’, and stuffed the coaster back into his top pocket.

 

It was quite amusing and entertaining, sitting at the local, listening to this guy who has been in many of the biggest movies Australia has ever produced, spinning all sorts of yarns, some of which, I’m sure strayed from the truth.

 

In the end he asked his new found mates to drive him home to Malak. They said no, they’re not going that way and told him to get a cab. Turned out he didn’t have enough money for a cab. Couldn’t drive himself because he had once again lost his license for 18 months for drink driving. He was last up before the court in about August, for drunkenly chasing someone down the street with a machete, following an argument about drinking on the premises.

 

So now, with no lift home, he took his wife and they went out front of the pub and sat in the gutter. One of his new mates called a cab on his mobile and gave him twenty five bucks to see them home to Malak.

 

In the end it was a bit sad to see somebody who’s been in so many top class movies, was the subject of an Archibald Prize winning portrait and has travelled the world, to end up in the gutter because he didn’t have enough money for another beer…….

 

UPDATE – Just read this in the Northern Territory News 1.12.06:

 

VETERAN Aussie actor David Gulpilil has hit rock bottom – homeless, on the dole and back on the booze.

 

The award-winning Aboriginal star, who has appeared in more than 30 TV and film roles since 1971 including Crocodile Dundee and Walkabout, has been living in Darwin’s “long grass” – a ghetto of homeless Aborigines – for several months, he told The Daily Telegraph.

 

Gulpilil said he had been living on booze, cannabis and welfare since he left his traditional indigenous life in Arnhem Land.

 

“It’s (alcohol) killing me slowly, and the ganja’s killing me slowly and the cigarettes are killing me slowly. It’s making my life miserable,” Gulpilil said.

 

Sources in Darwin said Gulpilil was affected by the recent vicious bashing of his actor son Jamie.

 

Jamie, 22, star of the award-winning film Ten Canoes, was beaten unconscious in Darwin last month.

 

“These bloody rednecks, they get jealous and they bash my son. I just want some respect back,” a tearful Gulpilil said.

 

In September he faced Darwin Magistrates Court charged with carrying an offensive weapon after he was caught on the street with a machete.

 

He has also had six drink-driving offences and has twice been jailed.

 

Despite being honoured with the Australia Medal in 1987 for services to the arts – and a portrait which won the 2004 Archibald Prize – his life is anything but that of a celebrity.

 

UPDATE – 30.3.07

Gulpilil ordered to stay away from wife By Jill Jolliffe 30mar07

 

A DARWIN magistrate has imposed a 12-month domestic violence order on Aboriginal actor David Gulpilil to protect his wife Miriam Ashley, who he has been accused of bashing. The internationally-known star of films like The Tracker and Crocodile Dundee failed to appear in Darwin Magistrates Court for a hearing on the order today.

 

Ms Ashley’s lawyer Bethany Lohmeyer told Magistrate David Loadman that Gulpilil was “interstate, possibly in Victoria”, and had failed to answer contact numbers given.

 

Mr Loadman replied: “Could be New York, who knows?”

 

He forbade Gulpilil to “assault or threaten to assault Miriam Ashley directly or indirectly”, after the actor allegedly bashed her last December.

 

In January, Gulpilil, 54, refused to accept an order to stay away from his wife while drinking, prompting today’s hearing.

 

Mr Loadman said any decision on Gulpilil was sensitive “bearing in mind his status with the latte-sipping set of Toorak and elsewhere”.

 

But he said something had to be done to protect Ms Ashley, noting that the police had not sought today’s ruling.

 

“They obviously protect her and do nothing else besides. There is nobody to protect her against Gulpilil, so I make that order,” Mr Loadman said.

 

He also noted that both Gulpilil and Ms Ashley had failed to submit relevant legal documents for today’s hearing, which they had agreed to in January.

 

 

 

UPDATE 5.12.2007

David Gulpilil rushed to hospital

 

BEN LANGFORD

05Dec07

David Gulpilil

TERRITORY movie star David Gulpilil was rushed to hospital last night after suffering a suspected heart attack on a plane.

 

Gulpilil, 54, was met by an ambulance on the tarmac at Sydney airport after complaining of chest pains during the flight.

 

He was taken by the ambulance to Royal Prince Alfred Hospital at Camperdown in Sydney’s inner west.

 

A Royal Prince Alfred spokesman last night confirmed the former NT Australian of the Year was taken to the hospital.

 

He said the screen star, who has been named a living National Treasure, was in a stable condition.

 

“He wanted us to let you know that he was stable,” the spokesman said.

 

A Qantas spokeswoman would not go into the specifics, only confirming there was a man who was unwell.

 

“A passenger did fall ill on a flight from Brisbane to Sydney,” she said.

 

She confirmed an ambulance met Qantas flight QF553 when it touched down at Sydney at 8.45pm (AEDT).

 

A friend of the star’s said last night Gulpilil was a known nervous flyer.

 

One of NT’s most famous sons, Gulpilil has starred in many iconic Australian films including the Territory film Ten Canoes.

 

Born in Arnhem Land, Gulpilil set Australia alight with his screen performances over a career that has so far lasted almost four decades.

 

Gulpilil made his film debut in 1969’s Walkabout, and soon followed that up with other scene-stealing roles in films such as Storm Boy.

 

Gulpilil has lately struggled with alcohol and “humbug”, once telling a journalist he had spent or given away all the money he made in films.

 

He ended up in court this year after brandishing a machete in a Darwin street.

 

UPDATE – 17 SEPTEMBER 2008 – $100 STUBBIE CHEERS UP GULPILIL

AUSTRALIAN film legend David Gulpilil said he was “happy to be free” after being convicted and fined $100 yesterday for drinking a beer in a dry Aboriginal community.

 

“I am happy – I did not want to go to Berrimah (jail),” the 56-year-old Crocodile Dundee star said outside the Darwin Magistrates Court yesterday.

 

“I love Australia. I love its flavour. It’s like ice-cream.”

 

Gulpilil, who has recently struggled with alcohol, was arrested after his car was searched at a road block near Maranboy, 60km south of Katherine, on his way to the Barunga festival on June 8 this year.

 

The court heard the star of the upcoming of Baz Luhrmann epic ‘Australia’ had been invited to sing and dance at the indigenous festival by fellow Aboriginal actor Tom E. Lewis.

 

Gulpilil had a six-pack of VB stubbies he planned to drink with partner Miriam and a friend as they left Katherine for the festival, where he knew alcohol was banned.

 

But the actor fell asleep in the back seat while holding a half-drunk beer and woke up on the Central Arnhem Highway.

 

He was trying to finish his beer when the car was pulled over 10km from the Barunga community turn-off.

 

The father-of-four, and grandfather-of-21, spent some time in custody, but still attended cultural celebrations at Barunga.

 

The Northern Territory Australian of the Year had originally planned to fight his case but, when two traffic charges were dropped, he pleaded guilty to bringing alcohol into a dry community.

 

Magistrate Daynor Trigg said drinking one beer and carrying one unopened beer to the community was at the “lower end of the scale”.

 

Gulpilil said he was “sorry” but pleased he could now attend the funeral, this Friday, of his long-time agent, who died of cancer.

 

22 November ’06 – an email

Current mood: uncomfortable

Well, I remember this morning why I don’t drink on school nights.

Evea emailed me yesterday and said she would come round after work to return a few of my CD’s and her house keys. She’d had a dog of a day and wondered if I’d have a beer with her. I thought about it and said yeah – bugger it, why not.

I got home and was about to grab a beer when Phoebe arrived – she said she’d had a bitch of a day, so I asked if she wanted a beer – she dived at the chance. So we got into it. Evea was only there for an hour or so but surprisingly, they seemed to get on like a house on fire. Phoebe was supposed to go to the movies with her boyfriend but was enjoying the beers too much, so I told her to invite him round for a few. So he lobbed round with a couple of bottles of wine and we all chatted for a few hours. Phoebe was falling asleep at the table and the young fella was slurring and talking in circles, before forgetting his original point. So at about 10:30 Phoebs decides she should make us all a chicken caesar salad for tea. She cooked up a bloody storm, I gotta say – had bacon and eggs, croutons and huge slabs of chicken in it. Probably the best salad I’ve ever had actually. Then we went back outside and had a few more drinks. They stumbled off to bed about 11:30 and I stayed up till 12.

Then, this morning, I used the snooze button on my alarm for the very first time in my life. I bought a bacon and egg roll and a chocky milk on the way to work, I feel very average and a splitting headache comes and goes every now and then. I can’t type properly and I’m getting car-sick looking at the keyboard………..

But to answer your question – she seems like a pretty nice girl, and the boyfriend seems like a decent bloke – pretty quietly spoken and respectful.

Now, back to my rules of life – I DO NOT DRINK ON SCHOOL NIGHTS……..and next time I WILL REMEMBER!

Bring on the airconditioning and the comfy lounge to lay on.

Evea – my housemate for 2 years (in aqua dress – with her boss).

This is the first ‘Blog’ I wrote – on Myspace, during my lunchbreak at work…

21 November ’06

Current mood: bored

Okay, I’m not too sure what these blog things are all about, but I’m guessing you just write in anything that happens to be happening with you – so anyone that may have some morbid interest in your life, can see what you’ve been up to?

Well, at the moment, I’m enjoying my lunch break – had a tuna and tomato roll and a bottle of tap water, along with a nectarine, peach and apple throughout the day. I was gonna do the gym thing when I got home from work but discovered my old roomy is gonna drop round with a few of my CD’s she retained, as well as the keys to my house. She seems keen to have a couple of coldies and a chat as well, and though I don’t drink on school days, she did live with me for nearly 2 years, and it would, after all, be very rude not to accommodate her this last request. So it looks like the gym is out and the beers are in for this arvo – might have to mow the lawn first though, to avoid feeling too guilty.

This could be interesting to see how the old roomy and her recent replacement happen to get on with each other – I imagine both will feel a bit of ownership of the territory and an inherent right to be the alpha-female. Oh well – I’ll just have to wait and see I s’pose.

And that will just about do me for an introductory blog – it was every bit as boring as I had expected, so I’ll have to come up with something a little more interesting before I dare to venture here again.